The Loss

About a month ago, a very dear friend of mine posted some very sad news on Facebook. She and her husband had a miscarriage at about 10 weeks. My heart was (and is still) so broken for them. At the time I thought that although most of the "friends" connected to my Facebook account were people I know and trust, I still thought that if something like that ever happened to Colter and I, I would not go public with the information. I thought that if we were ever to miscarry, I would only tell the few people who knew of our pregnancy so they could be sad with us.

I believe it is a woman's choice to either go public or keep quiet regarding pregnancy and miscarriages. It is a deeply personal and private matter. And because it seems that the issue is taboo to speak about, I have chosen not to be silent about the miscarriage Colter and I recently experienced. I want to be open and available for others to whom miscarriage has already affected or will affect in the future. It is tremendously sad. It is also an emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting experience. In-so-doing I hope to bring support to other women and couples whom have been affected by such a tragedy. I feel that we should unite together and share of our experiences to help one another grieve, consult, and of course, to pray.

I have come to the above conclusion because had my friend not posted about their miscarriage, I would have had no one to talk to about this experience. I would have not known who to call. None of my close friends have had miscarriages (that I am aware of). Neither my mom nor Colter's mom had been in this situation. I would have felt so alone. I wrote her immediately after getting home, and with her help I have been able to process more about what has happened, what this means, how it feels, and where to go from here.

My friend and I also spoke about how common it is for women to have miscarriages, upward of 30% that are reported. Many other women miscarry without knowing it, because their period starts late and they never made it past a point of having the symptoms associated with pregnancy. So who knows, the statistics could be even higher than that. I will not spare you the details because they matter. If you would not like to know or don't feel comfortable with this information, this is a good place to stop reading. I will not be offended, I promise.

Last Tuesday was a big day for us. Our first doctor's appointment with the OBGYN to check on our pregnancy. We were at eight weeks, which is typically when the first doctor's appointment happens. We had been so excited all morning...if everything went well, we were going to tell everyone of our great news. My doctor smeared the jelly on my skin for the sonogram. Colter and I were so excited...this was the first time we were to see the baby and hear a heart beat for the first time. To see the cause of the morning sickness and swelling and tiredness and soreness. The only problem...nothing was there. Just an empty, expanded uterus and sac where the baby should have been. No heartbeat. No baby.

The doctor told us that her machine isn't the best, so she sent us to the hospital across the street to "double check" with their equipment, which is capable of detecting a heart beat at only 5 weeks. We were hoping and praying that we would see something, anything. But again, nothing. After the procedure they brought us into a small "consultation" room where we were to wait for the doctor to speak with us. I knew then that we were going to receive bad news. He told us that he wished we were meeting under better circumstances. He told us that he thinks we had a miscarriage early on in pregnancy, which happens frequently, but doesn't change the fact that this is such sad news on a day that was meant to be so happy.

My uterus and sac are still in tact. Usually when a woman miscarries, she becomes aware of this because of heavy bleeding, the body's way of "eliminating" the dying tissues. They caught mine before my body had begun the elimination process. The doctor said that I am still experiencing the symptoms of pregnancy because my body has not yet realized what has happened. My uterus was still the developmentally healthy size to support a 7 week old baby; a baby that isn't there.

Words cannot express the sadness that we feel. As this was our first pregnancy (that we knew of) we had been immensely excited. Colter has wanted to be a dad since well, before we were married almost 6 years ago. The baby was going to be the first to make our parents grandparents, and our grandparents great-grandparents. Even our due date was special. It was going to be on my birthday, the best birthday present ever. There is no way that I can communicate the sadness that we feel.

But, there is always hope. Though we are sad, I understand that many women who have a miscarriage (even several for that matter) are still successful at bringing to term and birthing healthy babies. The doctor said to keep healthy, and try again. The doctor also said that now is not the time to worry if we will be able to conceive again, and that we do not need to discuss options for fertility testing unless we have multiple miscarriages. So right now, we are not too worried, just very sad.

I am in awe at the amazing design and ability of a woman's body to determine the health of a baby, and its ability to eliminate a pregnancy if something isn't growing right. I also marvel at God's design of DNA, that though an egg can be fertilized and an infant can begin to grow, if anything goes wrong in the development it can simply stop, and your body can start over, so to speak. In a way I feel this is a natural "quality control", and I am thankful for this. I am thankful that we were not further along, and I am thankful that I will not be whale-size during the hottest and most humid part of the summer.

But I may always struggle with the knowledge that there are so many women out there who become pregnant who don't even want to be pregnant, who have healthy beautiful babies that they may not appreciate or desire. Why is it that this would happen to a couple that want to be parents and that will strive to do only good in a child's life? I will never have the answer to this question, but I give it to God and know that this too shall pass. Someday we will be parents, whether by birthing a child, by adoption, or both. I am looking forward to that day.

My next post will probably be more medical, and I will probably discuss some details which not everyone feels comfortable reading. I will not be offended if you do not read the next post, just know it's there for you or anyone you know who would like information about what happens medically following a miscarriage, and the options that women have for elimination of the potentially remaining tissues.

Thank you for reading, thank you for your love, support and understanding. We have been surrounded and held up by many loving friends and family members who have cried with us, have listened, sympathized, and have stopped their lives and responsibilities to be with us during this time. Thank you all, I don't know how we would be able to go through this without you. Thank you Candace for your willingness to share of your experience, and for walking with us during this time. Our prayers are with you also.

Shanti...

Jordana

The Update (2009)

Ah...Costa Rica.  What a beautiful place.  Further, what a wonderful time with Colter spent making new memories and resting from a very packed couple of years.  Rest.  Sometimes life can become so packed with events, responsibilities, and people and things demanding our attention. People experience varying degrees of stress.  Let's call it the stress "spectrum".  Stress doesn't necessarily need to be paired with unfortunate events.  In fact, "happy stress" can be just as taxing on your system.  Say, buying a house, making new friends, can all be stressful, though enjoyable.  

Considering this, I think it's fair to say that Colter and I have had a stressful year.  Not only did we move to a new coast, a new city, adjust to these and new jobs (two for me), volunteering at the aquarium,  but we also bought a house and moved into a new community within Baltimore City.  Due to a bit more financial pressure Colter worked all summer at the Department of Education full time in order to help out with expenses.  Then he rode his bike home (uphill) and worked on house projects until late into the night before starting all over again the next day.  

Needless to say, the tired set in.  I didn't realize just how tired we were until one weekend we went "shopping" for a washer and dryer.  After visiting four stores and comparing notes and costs I felt overwhelmed to the point of exhaustion.  I didn't care about the washer and dryer anymore, I realized I needed a rest from the many directions in which we were being pulled and the may decisions that needed to be made.  I needed space to gain perspective.  Once I shared this with Colter and discovered (with a little convincing) that he felt the same, we decided to forgo the washer and dryer for a little while and to take a trip, just the two of us, to a place neither of us have ever been in order to spend quality time together.  We felt the need to remove ourselves in order to take care of ourselves, and we made the right choice.  As Colter's facebook "fan" page accurately described, "Who needs a washer-dryer duet system when you have love?"

Now as we launched into a new school year, new environment, my new job dog-walking, etc., we feel rejuvenated and ready for our next steps as if to say, "OK world, bring it on!"  Actually, "on" is a good way to describe how life has been since we returned.  And we're ready for it.  :)

Costa Rica, today's highlights

• Bought fresh ceviche from a road stand and ate it at playa Dominical (Dominical Beach), there were fishing boats in the distance
  
• Picked up two German hitch-hikers who had a lot to tell us about this country
• Stopped at a roadside stand to buy fresh lychees, and a papaya that is guaranteed larger than your face. Cost: $1.50
• Drove up a mountain and through the clouds
• Had the best lunch from a little soda, overlooking the tremendous valley including fresh juice and home-made corn tortillas
• The room at our lodge overlooks a beautiful valley. We are the only guests at the lodge tonight, and we are getting first class service (all for the cost of a super 8 motel)
• Basic Spanish is coming a little easier: gracias senior, por favor, pardon, es sculpe, bueno, mucho gusto, fresca naturales por favor? Papaya. Gracias. Quantos questa dos personas?
  

Tomorrow's agenda includes a morning hunt to catch a glimpse of the quetzel, a bird of paradise; then a tour of an organic coffee plantation.

Costa Rica

I realize it´s been a while since I´ve posted! I think I´ll start where we are now and will write at a later time to ¨fill in¨the gap in time since so much has happened in the last 4 months.

About two weeks ago Colter and I were out looking at washers and dryers for our new to us house. We went back and forth on price, style etc. In short, after analyzing the cost we decided to skip the washer and dryer and instead, head to Costa Rica, from where I am writing this post.

We spent the first few days in San Jose, eating at small family restaurants called Sodas. Sodas, as it turns out, provide amazing home made meals of rice, beans, fried plantanes and many other sides. One order is the perfect size portion (if not more than you can eat) and most of the meals are under $3. The hostels are also affordable, averaging about $7 per night (dorm) and $25 for a private room. Most places have breakfast included.

In San Jose, we went to the Jade museum, the museum of art, to the central marketplace which sells an abundance of anything you need. The variety of fruit and vegetable there are unbelievable (as well as the size). Besides sight seeing, we did a lot of walking. Colter kept telling me how much this place reminds him of the Philippines.

After a few days, we took a bus ride to the Pacific coast, to Manuel Antonio, a beatuful beach town and National Park. A four hour ride for $7. No problema. Windy as hell but well worth it. I looked out of the window at one point and I kind you not, two dogs were standing on a hill facing the freeway, side by side, with the same legs lifted taking a pee. A rooster stood there and watched, awquardly. He he. In Manuel Antonio we took a guided tour through the rain forest and saw various moneys (howlers, white faced, squirrel). Colter asked how our guide was so good at finding animals, and the guide said, jokingly, ¨Vibrations¨. He was really funny. We concluded our stay at the park by soaked sun on the beautiful beaches.

Today was awesome! We went on a sailboat with 6 other people. The hosts served us fresh fruit and made us a home made meal right there on the boat. We sailed around the Manuel Antonio point and hopped out for a swim. So far, the worst that has happened on this trip is that we´ve been stung by jellies a few times but hey, no problem! I am certified CPR and marine life injury certified. Yes friends, the patch that has the octopus hugging a heart. he he I know that´s your favorite. The boat also stopped at a place where we all jumped out to snorkle and I have to say, I am very impressed with Colter´s snorkeling skills. He swam and dove so easily, whereas I felt like a bobbing bouye. We got some sweet pictures as well (thanks Chiara for letting us borrow your camera!) I´ll post pics later.

Tomorrow the adventure continues as we head into the forst. The loose itinerary includes possible bird watching, hiking, and we are definitely going to tour an organic coffee plantation.

Right now I am suuuper hungry so we´re gonna head off to the Soda across the street.

Jordana

The Mother

It was sometime in High School, over ten years ago, when I first read a poem by Maya Angelou. From the beginning her works have moved me deeply and I would say in many ways have taken a place in shaping the type of woman I have become.   Her works validated my life, growing up the daughter of a single mom on welfare, medi-cal, and food stamps.  There was hardship but there was much joy.  Additionally, her works helped me to understand many of the hardships women in poverty face on a daily basis. 

When Colter came home from work and asked me if I would be an additional chaperone for an event, and that this event was to go see Maya Angelou speak at the Lyric Opera House, I didn't hesitate for a second.  You see, Ms. Angelou has had such a profound influence on my life, it has always been a dream to see her speak.  Somewhere in my subconscience I had a mental list of things to do before I die, and seeing Ms. Angelou was definitely one of them.  

We took a group of 9 kids from Colter's school who were (besides being 9th graders) incredibly well-behaved and timmering with excitement.  Once Ms. Angelou came out onto the stage there was a roaring applause, no one hesitated to stand up and clap as hard as they could-as if attempting to be the one clap that stood out in Ms. Angelou's ears.  

And there she was.  Little Maya Angelou sitting in a chair on an enormous stage.  She began to sing, "Sometimes, I feel like a motherless child..." and spoke to us about some of the women who most influenced her life...she told stories, some hilarious (like that she does not travel well by plane because people always bother her by handing her babies, taking pictures against her will etc., her explanation: "...you see, I look just like Maya Angelou") yet all empowering stories. 

Then she began to read maybe her most famous poem, "Phenomenal Woman" (please read it!) As she read it, I could hear the whisper of many other women, reciting it from memory, whispering it along with Ms. Angelou as she recited.  Tears were flowing from many eyes, including mine.  And I thought of all the phenomenal women in my life, starting with my mother, Camilla, who is the most phenomenal woman I know.  Then I thought of all the other women who have made an impact in my development: my grandmother Inge, aunties, teachers, Ms. Angelou and other poets, writers, dear friends, and complete strangers.  

A few of many wonderful lessons from my Mami have been to love fiercely, to have unshakable faith, to fight for justice, and to persevere.  

From my Omi (grandmother) I learned that "Dein laetzten Hemd traegt keine Tasche." Translation: "Your last shirt will not have pockets", meaning that one cannot take possessions to the grave.  If you have something which makes someone else happy, give it freely to give joy to one another.  I also learned to enjoy life and please, eat a little chocolate because most likely you deserve it.

I would also like to honor the following women for the impact they have made on my personal and spiritual development: Eileen Banghart, Lia Dimill0-Gray, Sofia Whitehead, Cornelia Gloeckner, Marion Wuerfel, Shelly Gibbs, Grethe Klose, Toni Morrison, Anne Lamott, Dorothy Day, Mother Theresa, Kristi Diehl, all my lovely lady friends, and possibly you.

 

My Mami                                               My Omi                        

"Sometimes, I feel like a motherless child...."  Maybe sometimes we do feel like motherless children--lo, we are not.  We have many mothers and sisters in this world who have influenced us positively with a kind word or action and love, whether they are aware of this or not.  Please take time today to think of these women in your life and if you are able, honor them for their part in creating whom you have become.