Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Marine Mammals

Meet Bayley. Currently just over 1 1/2 years old, she is quite a ham. She is also the darling of the group as she is currently the youngest and everyone loves her. Somehow she must know this because it seems like she loves the attention. I mean, we don't know if dolphins actually "love" but she certainly seems to react to the many "oohs" and "aahs" and human attention she receives. Someone please tell me, how can this little dolphin be so cute?

I began volunteering at the National Aquarium in December of 2008, after I passed my exam to become an Exhibit Guide. All things aquarium make me happy. But it's not just about the aquarium itself. It is easy to love what you do when you believe that the institution, to whom you are giving your time and life, extents beyond yourself and into the greater community and hearts of all those people with whom it encounters. During my time of service there I feel a deep sense of fulfillment to be around, and have the privilege to learn about so many different species of animals. This is what I have always wanted to do. My time at the aquarium has with no doubt given me a mental boost, and at this time I cannot imagine my life without involvement at the aquarium at some level.
My adventure with volunteering in the Marine Mammals department began after I discovered that I had logged the necessary hours in order to become qualified to volunteer in "Special" programs. The news that I had reached the qualifying hours within just a few months was actually a bit of a shocker for me (regularly takes about a year to complete), because spending time at the aquarium was never challenging or burdensome. Instead, the experience has been energizing. Soon thereafter I contacted the volunteer manager in the marine mammals department, and arranged an informational meeting with her to find out what steps I could be taking now to improve my chances of getting into their program. As it turned out they had a position open, and I was asked if I could start next week.

Well, "Next week" was now almost a year ago (1 year anniversary mid-April). I spend one full day (8-4:30) each week volunteering my time in the program. The work is very hard (think hours of scrubbing floors, rails, algae, enrichment "Toys", buckets, walls etc.), sometimes disgusting (I am now a pro at cutting off the head and gutting a herring...I can also pull the gills if need be), often cold (think water in the pools, water from the sinks, sorting pounds and pounds of frozen fish with your hands, chipping ice in a freezer and cleaning a fridge-from the inside lol), but most of all, it is rewarding.

Do not be fooled, this is not a "Cinderella" situation...I would do any of the above tasks in any order for any amount of time (that I could survive) just to be working with the great staff, to learn about, and experience first-hand the caring for and training of marine mammals. In the last year I have learned an incredible amount of information. A few months ago I began to learn how to feed dolphins, which has been going well. So well in fact that the next training goal (for me, not the animals lol) is to be able to do visual checks with the dolphins in the mornings. This includes feeding an animal, and asking for husbandry behaviors in order to do the first once-over health check of the day. I am incredibly excited about this.

Also I am memorizing the script for the show. So who knows, maybe if you come visit me this summer (please!) you will see me in a wetsuit (whoot whoot) narrating the Dolphin Show lol. This job is really fun and I am eternally grateful to the National Aquarium and all of the trainers who have trusted me enough to teach me to work with these brilliant animals.

I must also express how healing this experience has been to my mental health despite the hardships that Colter and I have faced this year. If this did not exist in my life, coping with the loss of our pregnancy would be even harder than it has proven to be thus far. To be honest, I don't know if I could have handled it being any harder than it has been. Volunteering helps me to have something that brings me joy, something that I look forward to doing each week. It helps me to keep on keepin' on...it always has. The first year has flown by, and I look forward to many more years of service...as long as they'll have me, I'll be there.

Namaste,
Jordana


Monday, March 1, 2010

The Focus

No one said this would be easy, I guess I just underestimated the toll this miscarriage would take not only on my bodily health, but also on my emotional health. I consider myself to have a pretty high threshold for pain. Scraped knee, cramps, fillings at the dentist, falling on skates...no problem. But to add in the emotions of loss, disappointment, anger, frustration, seems to magnify the physical pain. Or maybe it's because I know the reason for my physical suffering.

Maybe this would be easier if my emotional and physical strength were a little more balanced. If I had a little less of a physical threshold and a higher emotional threshold this wouldn't be so hard. The idea of "balance," it seems, has been a constant theme throughout my life. Perhaps though, this type of struggle for strength and balance is what makes a person grow stronger for the experience. When I am healthy I embrace this concept. The trouble for me lately is that I've been feeling more like, "Fuck growing experiences."

My friend Deirdre and I were talking today about the ridiculous saying, "Time heals all wounds." Really? And do you expect me to also believe "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." Laughing out loud. Please (with attitude). Time doesn't heal anything. But it can help. That's right, time helps wounds. At least I hope it does, because that's what I'm currently counting on to help me get through this.

Deirdre said something else that had a profound impact on me today. She said, "What you focus on grows." Damn. That is both convicting and probably one of the most inspiring things anyone has said to me during this time. Yes, I'm in pain physically. Yes I'm hurting emotionally. But am I going to let that pain consume me? No, I refuse. I will continue to acknowledge the feelings and allow myself the space to grieve, but I do not want to focus so much on it that I allow it to grow and consume me. Instead, I choose to focus on "growing" these three things:
  1. Positivity (my beloved friends and family that have held us up during these times, being true to what I love: helping others, time at the aquarium, fun memories and planning fun for the future etc.)
  2. Physical health (yoga, running, and a deep tissue massage as soon as I can afford it)
  3. Mental health
I have needed this enlightenment for some time. A fresh way of looking at this experience, and any situation I face in the future. I may not always remember this, but I will try.

Namaste,
Jordana