The Loss

About a month ago, a very dear friend of mine posted some very sad news on Facebook. She and her husband had a miscarriage at about 10 weeks. My heart was (and is still) so broken for them. At the time I thought that although most of the "friends" connected to my Facebook account were people I know and trust, I still thought that if something like that ever happened to Colter and I, I would not go public with the information. I thought that if we were ever to miscarry, I would only tell the few people who knew of our pregnancy so they could be sad with us.

I believe it is a woman's choice to either go public or keep quiet regarding pregnancy and miscarriages. It is a deeply personal and private matter. And because it seems that the issue is taboo to speak about, I have chosen not to be silent about the miscarriage Colter and I recently experienced. I want to be open and available for others to whom miscarriage has already affected or will affect in the future. It is tremendously sad. It is also an emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting experience. In-so-doing I hope to bring support to other women and couples whom have been affected by such a tragedy. I feel that we should unite together and share of our experiences to help one another grieve, consult, and of course, to pray.

I have come to the above conclusion because had my friend not posted about their miscarriage, I would have had no one to talk to about this experience. I would have not known who to call. None of my close friends have had miscarriages (that I am aware of). Neither my mom nor Colter's mom had been in this situation. I would have felt so alone. I wrote her immediately after getting home, and with her help I have been able to process more about what has happened, what this means, how it feels, and where to go from here.

My friend and I also spoke about how common it is for women to have miscarriages, upward of 30% that are reported. Many other women miscarry without knowing it, because their period starts late and they never made it past a point of having the symptoms associated with pregnancy. So who knows, the statistics could be even higher than that. I will not spare you the details because they matter. If you would not like to know or don't feel comfortable with this information, this is a good place to stop reading. I will not be offended, I promise.

Last Tuesday was a big day for us. Our first doctor's appointment with the OBGYN to check on our pregnancy. We were at eight weeks, which is typically when the first doctor's appointment happens. We had been so excited all morning...if everything went well, we were going to tell everyone of our great news. My doctor smeared the jelly on my skin for the sonogram. Colter and I were so excited...this was the first time we were to see the baby and hear a heart beat for the first time. To see the cause of the morning sickness and swelling and tiredness and soreness. The only problem...nothing was there. Just an empty, expanded uterus and sac where the baby should have been. No heartbeat. No baby.

The doctor told us that her machine isn't the best, so she sent us to the hospital across the street to "double check" with their equipment, which is capable of detecting a heart beat at only 5 weeks. We were hoping and praying that we would see something, anything. But again, nothing. After the procedure they brought us into a small "consultation" room where we were to wait for the doctor to speak with us. I knew then that we were going to receive bad news. He told us that he wished we were meeting under better circumstances. He told us that he thinks we had a miscarriage early on in pregnancy, which happens frequently, but doesn't change the fact that this is such sad news on a day that was meant to be so happy.

My uterus and sac are still in tact. Usually when a woman miscarries, she becomes aware of this because of heavy bleeding, the body's way of "eliminating" the dying tissues. They caught mine before my body had begun the elimination process. The doctor said that I am still experiencing the symptoms of pregnancy because my body has not yet realized what has happened. My uterus was still the developmentally healthy size to support a 7 week old baby; a baby that isn't there.

Words cannot express the sadness that we feel. As this was our first pregnancy (that we knew of) we had been immensely excited. Colter has wanted to be a dad since well, before we were married almost 6 years ago. The baby was going to be the first to make our parents grandparents, and our grandparents great-grandparents. Even our due date was special. It was going to be on my birthday, the best birthday present ever. There is no way that I can communicate the sadness that we feel.

But, there is always hope. Though we are sad, I understand that many women who have a miscarriage (even several for that matter) are still successful at bringing to term and birthing healthy babies. The doctor said to keep healthy, and try again. The doctor also said that now is not the time to worry if we will be able to conceive again, and that we do not need to discuss options for fertility testing unless we have multiple miscarriages. So right now, we are not too worried, just very sad.

I am in awe at the amazing design and ability of a woman's body to determine the health of a baby, and its ability to eliminate a pregnancy if something isn't growing right. I also marvel at God's design of DNA, that though an egg can be fertilized and an infant can begin to grow, if anything goes wrong in the development it can simply stop, and your body can start over, so to speak. In a way I feel this is a natural "quality control", and I am thankful for this. I am thankful that we were not further along, and I am thankful that I will not be whale-size during the hottest and most humid part of the summer.

But I may always struggle with the knowledge that there are so many women out there who become pregnant who don't even want to be pregnant, who have healthy beautiful babies that they may not appreciate or desire. Why is it that this would happen to a couple that want to be parents and that will strive to do only good in a child's life? I will never have the answer to this question, but I give it to God and know that this too shall pass. Someday we will be parents, whether by birthing a child, by adoption, or both. I am looking forward to that day.

My next post will probably be more medical, and I will probably discuss some details which not everyone feels comfortable reading. I will not be offended if you do not read the next post, just know it's there for you or anyone you know who would like information about what happens medically following a miscarriage, and the options that women have for elimination of the potentially remaining tissues.

Thank you for reading, thank you for your love, support and understanding. We have been surrounded and held up by many loving friends and family members who have cried with us, have listened, sympathized, and have stopped their lives and responsibilities to be with us during this time. Thank you all, I don't know how we would be able to go through this without you. Thank you Candace for your willingness to share of your experience, and for walking with us during this time. Our prayers are with you also.

Shanti...

Jordana