The Focus

No one said this would be easy, I guess I just underestimated the toll this miscarriage would take not only on my bodily health, but also on my emotional health. I consider myself to have a pretty high threshold for pain. Scraped knee, cramps, fillings at the dentist, falling on skates...no problem. But to add in the emotions of loss, disappointment, anger, frustration, seems to magnify the physical pain. Or maybe it's because I know the reason for my physical suffering.

Maybe this would be easier if my emotional and physical strength were a little more balanced. If I had a little less of a physical threshold and a higher emotional threshold this wouldn't be so hard. The idea of "balance," it seems, has been a constant theme throughout my life. Perhaps though, this type of struggle for strength and balance is what makes a person grow stronger for the experience. When I am healthy I embrace this concept. The trouble for me lately is that I've been feeling more like, "Fuck growing experiences."

My friend Deirdre and I were talking today about the ridiculous saying, "Time heals all wounds." Really? And do you expect me to also believe "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." Laughing out loud. Please (with attitude). Time doesn't heal anything. But it can help. That's right, time helps wounds. At least I hope it does, because that's what I'm currently counting on to help me get through this.

Deirdre said something else that had a profound impact on me today. She said, "What you focus on grows." Damn. That is both convicting and probably one of the most inspiring things anyone has said to me during this time. Yes, I'm in pain physically. Yes I'm hurting emotionally. But am I going to let that pain consume me? No, I refuse. I will continue to acknowledge the feelings and allow myself the space to grieve, but I do not want to focus so much on it that I allow it to grow and consume me. Instead, I choose to focus on "growing" these three things:

1. Positivity (my beloved friends and family that have held us up during these times, being true to what I love: helping others, time at the aquarium, fun memories and planning fun for the future etc.)
2. Physical health (yoga, running, and a deep tissue massage as soon as I can afford it)
3. Mental health

I have needed this enlightenment for some time. A fresh way of looking at this experience, and any situation I face in the future. I may not always remember this, but I will try.

Namaste,

Jordana