The Change

I often wonder how many times in life I have spoken/heard/read the word "Change."  How many quotes exist that offer a deeper understanding of the word and its relativity to life as we know it.  How many books exist and are currently being read that deal with change?  How many people seek out wisdom for all areas of the earth to help them cope with change?   

It seems to me that change is at the heartbeat of our culture and our lives.  Some things may remain fairly stable but life cannot be certain.  This is why people pay hundreds of dollars insuring their health, their cars, their families, their assets, their homes, their lives, their pets (to name a few) "Just in case."  

In what ways do we change?  What is the frequency?  What is our capacity?  When have we had enough?  

Let me name a few changes that have taken place in my life over the past few years:  in the 4 years that I have been happily married and we have moved together 4 times.  I have been a volunteer, a barista, a night-class college student, a secretary, a social worker, a behavioural rehabilitation specialist, unemployed, and a manager of volunteers at a museum.  I have lived in Redding, Rancho Cordova, Sacramento, and now, Baltimore.  The last three taking place all within 1 1/2 years.  I have been to Germany, all over California, Oregon, Montana several times, Cumberland, Iowa, twice to Canada, and many places and states in between.  I have left old friends and made new friends and left them.  Am I tired?  Yes.  Do I regret this business?  No.  

Though I am ready for a cool-down.  Which is one of the reasons we moved to Baltimore.  After doing extensive research about the city, with its wealth and poverty, potential, problems and potential problems, we have decided to make it home.  I am so glad to have a home.  Finally, home.  I'm home.  We're home.  This may not seem like an epiphany of any sort to you, but for someone who has moved on average every two years from the time I was born, it is nice to know I don't have to start over again in a new city.  At least not in the near future, I hope.  

With arms and heart open I welcome the current unfamiliarity and frustration of getting to know a new (and large) city.  I have been lost in scary neighbourhoods, lost in the suburbs (of which I was most afraid), felt like an idiot for my difficulty in understanding those with heavy East coast accents.  "Excuse me? Pardon?  Sorry?" and in deep frustration "WHAT?!" have become regular in my vocabulary.  I become anxious when meeting new people and giddy when someone seems to be enjoying my presence (like the woman who told me, in preparation for winter, "Honey, you need to get some shoes with sole." (In my heart I imagined shoes with "Soul" and shouted "Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!" clapping my hands, jumping, smiling to the lord all in thanks for receiving attention).   I know living here will become more easy and familiar with time, and I look forward to this.  In fact, I am grasping very hopefully to this expectation.  

My wonderful husband (for whom my love grows daily) is now a Teacher.  Yes, he has a career and is currently done with school (for now).  We have great health insurance.  A salary.  I have time to figure out my next step without any financial pressure.  This is a rare gift and I intend to make full use of it, especially in honour to those who have not had opportunity to do the same.  

For the first time in many years, we are staying home for holidays.  "Home" meaning in Maryland.  Christmas may also be added to the list.  I welcome the break from long-distance traveling.  

So much has changed, including myself.  Outwardly I have chopped my hair (again), lost and gained 15 lbs, and sprouted more gray hair than anyone at 27 should sprout.  I am developing fine lines around my eyes and mouth when I smile and I welcome these subtle changes.  I want to live in the now, not the past or the future.  But I will continue to dye my hair until I have made peace with the "Silvers."

I feel that I have also changed much as a human being: less insecure in some ways, more insecure in others, less afraid to ask questions, to be a minority, to have hairy arms, to think more independently, have concern about politics and the state of our nation.  I read the paper.  I am more afraid of elevators, crowds and narrow staircases.  I laugh more.  I'm proud to announce I am now a reader, and apparently a writer.  Yet, because most of the people I love are not near me to experience/witness/discuss these subtle over-time changes, I feel in many ways distant from old friends.  I am doing what I can now to re-connect to the best of my ability, considering the distance.  We have loved ones all over the world: California, Mongolia, Philippines, Germany, and many in between.  Sometimes I think the only person who has been able to bare witness to my development is Colter, as he has been my support and cornerstone throughout our relatively short time together.  I wish I could share more with my friends, to be better known, to feel more validated and accountable.  This is why I am here.  

Please accept my offer to read my stories and join me in life and the changes which it brings.  I welcome your encouragement, acknowledgment, thoughtful responses, and again-your friendship.