Marine Mammals

Meet Bayley. Currently just over 1 1/2 years old, she is quite a ham. She is also the darling of the group as she is currently the youngest and everyone loves her. Somehow she must know this because it seems like she loves the attention. I mean, we don't know if dolphins actually "love" but she certainly seems to react to the many "oohs" and "aahs" and human attention she receives. Someone please tell me, how can this little dolphin be so cute?

I began volunteering at the National Aquarium in December of 2008, after I passed my exam to become an Exhibit Guide. All things aquarium make me happy. But it's not just about the aquarium itself. It is easy to love what you do when you believe that the institution, to whom you are giving your time and life, extents beyond yourself and into the greater community and hearts of all those people with whom it encounters. During my time of service there I feel a deep sense of fulfillment to be around, and have the privilege to learn about so many different species of animals. This is what I have always wanted to do. My time at the aquarium has with no doubt given me a mental boost, and at this time I cannot imagine my life without involvement at the aquarium at some level.

My adventure with volunteering in the Marine Mammals department began after I discovered that I had logged the necessary hours in order to become qualified to volunteer in "Special" programs. The news that I had reached the qualifying hours within just a few months was actually a bit of a shocker for me (regularly takes about a year to complete), because spending time at the aquarium was never challenging or burdensome. Instead, the experience has been energizing. Soon thereafter I contacted the volunteer manager in the marine mammals department, and arranged an informational meeting with her to find out what steps I could be taking now to improve my chances of getting into their program. As it turned out they had a position open, and I was asked if I could start next week.

Well, "Next week" was now almost a year ago (1 year anniversary mid-April). I spend one full day (8-4:30) each week volunteering my time in the program. The work is very hard (think hours of scrubbing floors, rails, algae, enrichment "Toys", buckets, walls etc.), sometimes disgusting (I am now a pro at cutting off the head and gutting a herring...I can also pull the gills if need be), often cold (think water in the pools, water from the sinks, sorting pounds and pounds of frozen fish with your hands, chipping ice in a freezer and cleaning a fridge-from the inside lol), but most of all, it is rewarding.

Do not be fooled, this is not a "Cinderella" situation...I would do any of the above tasks in any order for any amount of time (that I could survive) just to be working with the great staff, to learn about, and experience first-hand the caring for and training of marine mammals. In the last year I have learned an incredible amount of information. A few months ago I began to learn how to feed dolphins, which has been going well. So well in fact that the next training goal (for me, not the animals lol) is to be able to do visual checks with the dolphins in the mornings. This includes feeding an animal, and asking for husbandry behaviors in order to do the first once-over health check of the day. I am incredibly excited about this.

Also I am memorizing the script for the show. So who knows, maybe if you come visit me this summer (please!) you will see me in a wetsuit (whoot whoot) narrating the Dolphin Show lol. This job is really fun and I am eternally grateful to the National Aquarium and all of the trainers who have trusted me enough to teach me to work with these brilliant animals.

I must also express how healing this experience has been to my mental health despite the hardships that Colter and I have faced this year. If this did not exist in my life, coping with the loss of our pregnancy would be even harder than it has proven to be thus far. To be honest, I don't know if I could have handled it being any harder than it has been. Volunteering helps me to have something that brings me joy, something that I look forward to doing each week. It helps me to keep on keepin' on...it always has. The first year has flown by, and I look forward to many more years of service...as long as they'll have me, I'll be there.

Namaste,

Jordana

The Focus

No one said this would be easy, I guess I just underestimated the toll this miscarriage would take not only on my bodily health, but also on my emotional health. I consider myself to have a pretty high threshold for pain. Scraped knee, cramps, fillings at the dentist, falling on skates...no problem. But to add in the emotions of loss, disappointment, anger, frustration, seems to magnify the physical pain. Or maybe it's because I know the reason for my physical suffering.

Maybe this would be easier if my emotional and physical strength were a little more balanced. If I had a little less of a physical threshold and a higher emotional threshold this wouldn't be so hard. The idea of "balance," it seems, has been a constant theme throughout my life. Perhaps though, this type of struggle for strength and balance is what makes a person grow stronger for the experience. When I am healthy I embrace this concept. The trouble for me lately is that I've been feeling more like, "Fuck growing experiences."

My friend Deirdre and I were talking today about the ridiculous saying, "Time heals all wounds." Really? And do you expect me to also believe "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." Laughing out loud. Please (with attitude). Time doesn't heal anything. But it can help. That's right, time helps wounds. At least I hope it does, because that's what I'm currently counting on to help me get through this.

Deirdre said something else that had a profound impact on me today. She said, "What you focus on grows." Damn. That is both convicting and probably one of the most inspiring things anyone has said to me during this time. Yes, I'm in pain physically. Yes I'm hurting emotionally. But am I going to let that pain consume me? No, I refuse. I will continue to acknowledge the feelings and allow myself the space to grieve, but I do not want to focus so much on it that I allow it to grow and consume me. Instead, I choose to focus on "growing" these three things:

1. Positivity (my beloved friends and family that have held us up during these times, being true to what I love: helping others, time at the aquarium, fun memories and planning fun for the future etc.)
2. Physical health (yoga, running, and a deep tissue massage as soon as I can afford it)
3. Mental health

I have needed this enlightenment for some time. A fresh way of looking at this experience, and any situation I face in the future. I may not always remember this, but I will try.

Namaste,

Jordana

Snowpocalypse 1 & 2

Once the sun came out...

That blobby hump behind Zach is his car....

Before Snow After Snow (Currently)

Last weekend, over 24" of snow was dumped on us within 24 hours. That's an inch an hour folks. Baltimore has not seen a snow storm like this in many years. When it finally stopped snowing, our city was turned into a literal "Winter Wonderland". No cars except plows were driving on the roads, mostly due to the fact that most everyone's cars were buried in snow. The folks lucky enough to have garages could not drive. Not even big 4x4 trucks could drive because they simply do not have the clearance required to maneuver these roads.

Ridiculous right? No. I have been waiting for a storm like this my entire life. I was made for snow. Am I cold? Not really. But I do have an iresistable urge to dive into the powder any time I see an "untouched" area that is free of steps or snowballs. All I have wanted were real winters, ever since I lived in Germany as a child. I have had too many "coincidences" of missing snow that it became clear to me that they were not merely coincidences, but a no-snow curse. When I have tried to explain this mysterious phenomena to friends and family they have simply said it's because I carry the "California sun" with me, wherever I go. Sweet thought, but all I want is snow. Following are a few examples that led me to believe that my snow mishaps were no coincidence.

• The last two times I have flown to Germany it has been "unseasonably warm". So much so that none of the ski resorts were open. Not in Germany, not in Austria, not in Switzerland. Two days after arriving home in the states, my aunt calls from Germany saying, "You are so lucky! It just DUMPED over a meter of snow last night!"
• The winter I flew back East to Iowa, then Maryland to meet Colter's family, everyone was baffled by the lack of the white-powdery stuff they were usually guaranteed to have this time every year. While on our trip, my mother called me from Redding saying it had DUMPED snow. By the time we returned it had melted. Not a single flake in sight.
• During the summer of 2003 I flew to Germany to spend time with my grandmother. We vacationed at Lake Konstanz, a beautiful and very humid lake that connects Germany, Switzerland, Lichtenstein, Austria, and France. It was so hot and humid there, that in the center of the lake exists a tropical island. In the middle of Europe. Can you believe it? We were there for two weeks soaking up the sun and visiting castles and art exhibits. Not 3 days after we left back for our village in Germany did we hear on the news that the island had experienced a fluke storm...complete with snow.

There have been many other instances of these types of things happening, but I've chosen to highlight the main events for you.

After last weekend's snow, we (Colter, more specifically) worked very hard to free our car of 2 ft snow. Our neighbors dug out their cars also, and put the snow right in the middle of the street as there was no where else to put it. Now we have a 5' pile of snow going down the center lane of our street. :) I love it. Some people's streets are being plowed, but ours are not because the street is too narrow. I guess when selecting out house to buy, we should have considered the "what if we get hit by a rare and huge snow storm and our street doesn't get plowed"?

Snowpocalypse #1 highlights:

• Matt & Jen Hardy cross-country skied to our house to throw snow-balls at our window
• Colter got the whole week off "snow days!" teaching AND his Master's classes
• We had a snowed-in slumber party all weekend filled with playing games with friends (within walking-distance), hot cocoa and baileys, pajamas, blankets, and LOTS of Hero's episodes (thank you Netflix instant play!)
• Walking on the main streets without fear of being ran over
• Sledding (specifically, Zach sledding dangerously fast and eating it each time)
• Zach jumping off a building rooftop into the powder just for fun
• Watching kids play
• Oliver jumping into the snow and essentially disappearing

Just as the city started to recover two days later, we were informed that a second storm was coming through, that will dump just as much as the first, but that we'll have wind also. As I look out the window right now, I can barely see the houses across the street from us. The snow is blowing sideways. And though I'm not particularly itching to go out and roll around, I am excited about tomorrow's prospect creating a ramp from our front steps to slide down. How awesome would that be? We are gearing up for more games, more movies, sledding, and might experiment with building an igloo in the back yard. Care to join?! We have alcohol....

I am glad that we left California, for many reasons. I will always miss certain aspects of good ol' Cali...but I do not long for it as the temperature drops below 30. I do not wish to be soaking up the sun or wearing shorts and a t-shirt in January. I don't want to see green grass or budding leaves right now. That just doesn't seem right, and for that reason, I am glad I have lost the "California sunshine" and officially am now and East Coast Gal, and proud of it.

The Loss Continued

When a woman discovers that she has had a miscarriage before it has actually taken place, she is given several options:

1. The right to disbelieve the doctors, request an immediate blood sample. In this case, the woman's blood will be tested again in a week to see if there are any changes in the level of her hormones. Make a decision based upon the results of the second blood test.
2. The right to wait and see if her body will naturally "eliminate" the tissues. This could happen rather quickly after discovering she has had a miscarriage, but in some cases, can take over a month.
3. Take pills to induce the body to eliminate the tissues.
4. Schedule a "D and C" (Dilatation and Curettage). An D&C is an invasive but common surgery procedure where the woman's cervix is dilated and the physicians actually go into the uterus with tools to remove the tissues.

After our doctor told us what our options were, she strongly suggested taking some time to decide which option would be best for us, and to then check in with her within a few weeks. This is not an easy decision to make. Colter and I spoke much about "if" this happens, then "that" is what we'll do. In the end, it didn't matter so much about which option would be best medically speaking rather, which option will be best for me considering how each option would affect me emotionally.

After consulting with Colter, close friends, and of course, my mother we decided to wait a few weeks to see if my body would begin the elimination process on its own. If it did not, then we would take the pill to induce. Of the options listed above, we felt that the pill would be the second least invasive option. I do not want to have surgery for this however, there is always a possibility that any of the above options can lead to the necessity of a D&C procedure.

Fortunately, on the day I was going to take the pills, my body began the process on its own, for which I am very grateful. Now it's just a waiting game...hopefully I will be recovering by this weekend or at least by early next week.

We have decided based on this experience that if we are to become pregnant again we will probably not tell anyone except for our immediate family until we have reached the 12 or 14 week mark (when the possibility of miscarriage dramatically decreases). We are glad that we shared with our close friends and family this time around but, it was difficult to tell them all that we had a miscarriage when everyone was so excited about our "good" news.

For now we are sitting tight, keeping hope and faith that we will be parents someday whether by birth or adoption. We are staying in and keeping warm despite the second blizzard to dump almost 2 extra feet of snow in Charm City. :) Last night I had my first glass of red wine in 3-4 months. It was so delicious....

If anyone reading this has any questions, please feel free to contact me. As always, thank you for reading and take good care.

The Loss

About a month ago, a very dear friend of mine posted some very sad news on Facebook. She and her husband had a miscarriage at about 10 weeks. My heart was (and is still) so broken for them. At the time I thought that although most of the "friends" connected to my Facebook account were people I know and trust, I still thought that if something like that ever happened to Colter and I, I would not go public with the information. I thought that if we were ever to miscarry, I would only tell the few people who knew of our pregnancy so they could be sad with us.

I believe it is a woman's choice to either go public or keep quiet regarding pregnancy and miscarriages. It is a deeply personal and private matter. And because it seems that the issue is taboo to speak about, I have chosen not to be silent about the miscarriage Colter and I recently experienced. I want to be open and available for others to whom miscarriage has already affected or will affect in the future. It is tremendously sad. It is also an emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting experience. In-so-doing I hope to bring support to other women and couples whom have been affected by such a tragedy. I feel that we should unite together and share of our experiences to help one another grieve, consult, and of course, to pray.

I have come to the above conclusion because had my friend not posted about their miscarriage, I would have had no one to talk to about this experience. I would have not known who to call. None of my close friends have had miscarriages (that I am aware of). Neither my mom nor Colter's mom had been in this situation. I would have felt so alone. I wrote her immediately after getting home, and with her help I have been able to process more about what has happened, what this means, how it feels, and where to go from here.

My friend and I also spoke about how common it is for women to have miscarriages, upward of 30% that are reported. Many other women miscarry without knowing it, because their period starts late and they never made it past a point of having the symptoms associated with pregnancy. So who knows, the statistics could be even higher than that. I will not spare you the details because they matter. If you would not like to know or don't feel comfortable with this information, this is a good place to stop reading. I will not be offended, I promise.

Last Tuesday was a big day for us. Our first doctor's appointment with the OBGYN to check on our pregnancy. We were at eight weeks, which is typically when the first doctor's appointment happens. We had been so excited all morning...if everything went well, we were going to tell everyone of our great news. My doctor smeared the jelly on my skin for the sonogram. Colter and I were so excited...this was the first time we were to see the baby and hear a heart beat for the first time. To see the cause of the morning sickness and swelling and tiredness and soreness. The only problem...nothing was there. Just an empty, expanded uterus and sac where the baby should have been. No heartbeat. No baby.

The doctor told us that her machine isn't the best, so she sent us to the hospital across the street to "double check" with their equipment, which is capable of detecting a heart beat at only 5 weeks. We were hoping and praying that we would see something, anything. But again, nothing. After the procedure they brought us into a small "consultation" room where we were to wait for the doctor to speak with us. I knew then that we were going to receive bad news. He told us that he wished we were meeting under better circumstances. He told us that he thinks we had a miscarriage early on in pregnancy, which happens frequently, but doesn't change the fact that this is such sad news on a day that was meant to be so happy.

My uterus and sac are still in tact. Usually when a woman miscarries, she becomes aware of this because of heavy bleeding, the body's way of "eliminating" the dying tissues. They caught mine before my body had begun the elimination process. The doctor said that I am still experiencing the symptoms of pregnancy because my body has not yet realized what has happened. My uterus was still the developmentally healthy size to support a 7 week old baby; a baby that isn't there.

Words cannot express the sadness that we feel. As this was our first pregnancy (that we knew of) we had been immensely excited. Colter has wanted to be a dad since well, before we were married almost 6 years ago. The baby was going to be the first to make our parents grandparents, and our grandparents great-grandparents. Even our due date was special. It was going to be on my birthday, the best birthday present ever. There is no way that I can communicate the sadness that we feel.

But, there is always hope. Though we are sad, I understand that many women who have a miscarriage (even several for that matter) are still successful at bringing to term and birthing healthy babies. The doctor said to keep healthy, and try again. The doctor also said that now is not the time to worry if we will be able to conceive again, and that we do not need to discuss options for fertility testing unless we have multiple miscarriages. So right now, we are not too worried, just very sad.

I am in awe at the amazing design and ability of a woman's body to determine the health of a baby, and its ability to eliminate a pregnancy if something isn't growing right. I also marvel at God's design of DNA, that though an egg can be fertilized and an infant can begin to grow, if anything goes wrong in the development it can simply stop, and your body can start over, so to speak. In a way I feel this is a natural "quality control", and I am thankful for this. I am thankful that we were not further along, and I am thankful that I will not be whale-size during the hottest and most humid part of the summer.

But I may always struggle with the knowledge that there are so many women out there who become pregnant who don't even want to be pregnant, who have healthy beautiful babies that they may not appreciate or desire. Why is it that this would happen to a couple that want to be parents and that will strive to do only good in a child's life? I will never have the answer to this question, but I give it to God and know that this too shall pass. Someday we will be parents, whether by birthing a child, by adoption, or both. I am looking forward to that day.

My next post will probably be more medical, and I will probably discuss some details which not everyone feels comfortable reading. I will not be offended if you do not read the next post, just know it's there for you or anyone you know who would like information about what happens medically following a miscarriage, and the options that women have for elimination of the potentially remaining tissues.

Thank you for reading, thank you for your love, support and understanding. We have been surrounded and held up by many loving friends and family members who have cried with us, have listened, sympathized, and have stopped their lives and responsibilities to be with us during this time. Thank you all, I don't know how we would be able to go through this without you. Thank you Candace for your willingness to share of your experience, and for walking with us during this time. Our prayers are with you also.

Shanti...

Jordana